Life changes are in order, to be sure. Not the least of which is – what are you supposed to eat now? Can't very well keep eating the way you've been before, can you? That would be too easy and would erase any need for inane, satirical articles on the subject. That said, here are a few tips to get you started navigating the gastronomical world as a newly realized Introvert.
1. Avoid Eating Out For Lunch
Crowds will only confuse you and you'll end up ordering the worst possible thing on the menu – marinara sauce when you're wearing a white shirt, raw red onions before a conference with your close-talking boss, tempeh before remembering that you hate tempeh. Everyone hates tempeh. You're better off eating at home or in the corner of the break room. If you must eat out, find a coffee shop and pop open your laptop before chowing down. Creating the illusion of work will free you from the obligation to talk to others. Try Shangri-La Coffee in Denver's Highland neighborhood or Metropolis Coffee in the Golden Triangle. Spend your lunch hour commenting on the latest Slate articles about the death of monogamy and Miley Cyrus as a sex-positive feminist role-model.
2. Avoid Eating Out In General
Going out to dinner with your extrovert friends means conversation, usually about shallow, pointless tidbits of modern culture that you could care less about. Yet, if you bring fellow introverts you'll likely end up discussing how awkward social interaction is, reading self-improvement articles on your phone, and texting no one. In that order. The best bets for restaurants are tiny hole-in-the-wall ethnic restaurants where you can enjoy incredible food and you won't be the only one eating alone. Options: Pho-natic in Capitol Hill or Afghan Kabob in Westminster. Still too stimulating? Get take-out.
3. Eat at Home
If the last two tips didn't clue you in, at home is best. There you can make elaborate, huge foodie dinners like pad thai for eight, a gallon of posole, dumplings for an army, and take as many artsy pictures with moody filters as you like. Instagram them with brief captions. Or no captions at all. Alternately, you can eat Trader Joe's frozen shumai and mochi. Under your bed covers. Pants optional. While re-re-watching Breaking Bad. You can do that because it's your right as an Introvert.
4. Types of Food
In addition to where you eat, what you eat matters. As an introvert, your composition is as delicate as a 19th century noblewoman's. Hot and spicy foods may bring on unwanted urges and excitement. And gluten, gluten will destroy you. Stick to cool soups and broths. Eat solid foods sparingly (except in the case of shumai).
This article may leave you feeling annoyed, amused, angered, disgusted, or a mixture of all four. Keep in mind, I'm 50 percent Introvert myself. So it's all ok.